Try “Thank You” Instead of “I’m Sorry” to Build Success in Business and at Work

Last week, I had the privilege of delivering the annual NYS Sexual and Other Harassment Prevention Training to the best group of employees ever and their equally great leadership team – and I told them so. The entire group asked great clarifying questions, and made insightful observations. The best one occurred below.

I was asked in 25+ years of HR work if I had personally encountered discrimination; and how did I handle it. “Yes,” I replied. “Because of my role as an HR professional as well as my training, I don’t react in anger – I always try to frame my response as a teaching moment.”

I shared with the group how at the beginning of my HR career, I sat with a woman director who had impressed me with her technical skills: she was an inspiration. As we reviewed her salary plan, she asked me to finish the calculations and bring it back to her with what she meant as a compliment; however impacted as a common slur: “You’ll be much better at it than me,” she observed. “Your people of course are great with money.” I winced, hoping it wasn’t what I thought it was. “You mean, HR people are better with numbers?” I clarified. “No – you know, your people, your heritage,” she further clarified. “You’re all great and smart with numbers and money.” I paused, and responded in the manner that my best HR mentor Bill always gave me feedback, to maximize my listening. “Laura,” I responded. “I’d like to give you this feedback in the spirit of supporting your success. Please don’t say that to anyone else – it can impact most people as a discriminatory remark.” Laura was briefly mortified, and then she surprised me again. “Thank you,” she said. “I honestly didn’t know, and I’m so glad you told me.”

One of the trainees in last week’s session made an even better observation. “When we make a mistake – instead of apologizing for the error, thank the person for their feedback. It makes it safer for both co-workers, and empowers both of them in the process.” I completely agree.

How do you use “thank you” instead of “I’m sorry” to support the safety and success of all in business and at work?